I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
