Don't make out with my wife yet
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This toilet bowl is my home.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
