If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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