Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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