He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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