so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
