i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
