I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Randomize
