3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
