dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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