So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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