My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
