Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
They should really pass out barf bags in church
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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