So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
