So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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