ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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