I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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