you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
