is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize