I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize