you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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