just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize