She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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