Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
