Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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