I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
where are you?
Hypothermia
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
