it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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