When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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