i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
