seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
