now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
