i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
