I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
