so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
