did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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