Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
