Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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