this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
