i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
