I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The Olympian is in my bed
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