i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
