i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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