My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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