My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
