Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
They are going to name an STD after you.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
