Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
