you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
