I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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