One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
