my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
