He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
