I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
