i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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