Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
