so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
