He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
