my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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