The maid of honor just puked.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
ttyl tear gas
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
