How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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