so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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