When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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