Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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