I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
