I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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