So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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